martes, 8 de septiembre de 2009

Loneliness

I’ve picked up the nasty habit of smoking since I got down here. I’m not really sure why, but while sitting in my hammock, in my small house in the middle of the woods, with no other house or people in sight, a cigarette seems strangely appealing to me.

Once, a fellow volunteer and sworn enemy of the cigarette asked me ¨why do you smoke?¨ in the condescending you-should-give-up-that-nasty-habit-it´ll-kill-you tone. ¨I dunno,¨ I replied. Then, without really thinking, added ¨Sometimes I get lonely.¨ He then started to make fun of me for my comment. ¨Do you need friends, Liz?¨ he asked. ¨Do I need to come visit your tool shed to keep you company?¨ I laughed along with him, although secretly resenting him for being so condescending without really understanding the situation I live in. This particular volunteer has a nicer house than I have in the US, which is in a nice neighborhood in a fairly large town. He also has a TV, cable, a laptop, and will soon have internet in his house as well. Not to mention the fact that he is constantly having visitors in his home, and has easy access to other towns if he ever desires to visit another volunteer. In other words, he has so many distractions surrounding him that he probably doesn’t even get a chance to even think about loneliness.

I, however, have none of those distractions. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, and I am happy to find other ways to occupy my time. However, there are those rare days when I’ve just finished a good book, or when I get home at 6 and think to myself ¨now what do I do till bedtime?¨ that I get hit by it like a strong, unexpected gust of wind: loneliness. Raw and untainted, and I am helpless to escape it. Sometimes all I can do is go to bed to rid myself of the horrible empty feeling. Other times I smoke a cigarette, hoping the soothing feeling it gives me will help it go away. Yet other times, I just sit there in silence and allow myself to be consumed by it, to feel every emotion, negative or positive, that comes with it. Sadness, serenity, peace, contemplation, at times fear. I read once that one of the greatest fears of the human soul is loneliness, and the root of a great amount of depression and crime. That’s why so many of us spend our whole lives trying to escape it through friends, television and internet.

Living a life where these distractions don’t exist, I haven´t had a choice but to confront loneliness face to face. However, the experience has been unexpectedly rewarding. It is in these moments of loneliness that I feel God’s presence more than ever. I am also able to contemplate my life and experiences during these moments with an astounding clarity that I’ve never been able to do before. It has given me an inner strength and awareness of life that I never would have been able to possess otherwise. Despite these few moments of clarity, it is always extremely difficult for me to face this loneliness, and I know I don’t always deal with it well. However, I find comfort in knowing that I am able to deal with it somehow, and experience the rewards that come from it. I would like to see if my friend could live like I do without taking up smoking.